he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
