You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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