You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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