The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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