The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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