you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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