i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
