I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
