my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
