I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Congratulations! We have a period
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