I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
