From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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