you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
