and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
