Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
