I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
