Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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