the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
