paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
