I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
