can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Those nachos came to me in a dream
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
