i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
