Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We don't watch enough power rangers
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
