I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
