i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
