Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
where am i from again
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
