I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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