I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
