look no pants
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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