You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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