I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
