Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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