while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
