He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
