Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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