ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
