Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were trust falling into bushes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
