Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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