I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
