Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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