It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
