This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
