So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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