the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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