did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
