He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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