i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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