it wasn't lemon gatorade
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
