god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
