I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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