I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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