the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
