I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
