We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
