I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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