Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
