We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
