Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
