at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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