I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
