Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
