What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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